Prison Phenomenology by Michael Irwin:
There are times when you sit and wonder 'what what was that all about' and you realise that you think you are in control of your mind and body but alas you are not.
Suicide and thoughts of it swept over me today like never before. I have read so much literature by Shadd Maruna, Alison Liebling and Ben Crewe that I thought it might give me a heads up when the inevitable moments arrived.
Not the case - it swept through me, in me and around me. My heart was beating like a triphammer. My breathing helped but the worry and the fear and anxiety was impossible to suppress. I went for a walk and ended up at a family members house where a few others had also popped in. We talked and laughed and joked and it went, this feeling, as fast as a ... Well, it went anyway.
This is an experience that nobody can tell you about unless you've felt it. This what many ahev felt before me and amny will feel after me. Where on the re-integration brochure does it warn you of this? Where in the narritve of the rehabilitation blanket does it give you guidance? Why did i not phone someone who could tell me about this? Is it because i'm a man, is it because i've got pride or am I so used to not showing weakness that i forgot what it's like to feel humanity.
I spent forty minutes in the comapny of nearest and dearest and it reminded me more of what i have to give up for a little bit longer, BUT, and it's a big but, it also reminded me of what i have to look forward to. Teir are simple things in life like achids laughter or smart quip that makes you smile inside. This smile, for me, shines through and i hope that my experinece of temporary darkness today, might, just migth mind you, help soem other poor soul who feels overhwlemed by the enormity of the re-integration process. I have documented nearaly everything. like the mad scientist who has to experince the bad side effects of his potion in order to heal the sick.
I'm happy i've experienced this as i now know how it feels adn can tell others if they are inlcined to listen.
Ahhh, the art of Listening.
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